Should I be scared or excited???

Should I be scared or excited? Uncle Bryan used that phrase a few weeks ago when talking about Dad's situation. He wasn't sure if he should be scared at the thought of losing his brother or if he should be excited at the thought of Dad joining other loved ones in the hear after and no longer being in pain. His faith is very strong. He feels that he knows where Dad is going.

I believe that my daddy is going to heaven I just don't want it to be for a very long time. I'm selfish that way. Not because I want Dad to continue to agonize in pain because I most certainly do not, I just want him here to have the time with him that I haven't had over the last 30 years.

I'm afraid because Dad seems to be seeing and talking to Gramma Bonnie these days. I know they're hallucinations but we've been told that that will happen as they get closer. And what if they aren't? What if it really is Gramma coming to Dad because the veil has thinned between the living and those who have passed. We aren't supposed to be able to communicate with those who have gone before but are we more able to as our time nears? I wish someone could answer that for me.

Take Care all,
A

First Love

What can be said about first love? You always remember it. That person will be in your heart for the rest of your life.

This is absolutely true, especially when you look at my parents. I remember a time when there wasn't a nice word to be said between them but look at them now. My mother loves my dad. She is there taking care of him when we can't be. She's amazing. Who would have ever thought that we would be in this place now and that it would be her that has dropped whatever she is doing to take care of the father of her kids. I'm not sure that I would be the same if I were in her shoes. I guess time does heal all wounds.

Thanks Mom, my gratitude is immeasureable.

I love you,
A

Thank You

I just wanted to take a quick minute to put some love out there for all of the wonderful family and friends that have been there every step of the way.

My Mom is on her way to Spokane at this very minute to take care of Dad. What a blessing she is to be willing and able to do this. I can't imagine my life without her. Thank you so much Mom, I love you more than you'll ever know.

Merrilee, you have been so good to my Dad. I appreciate you and Mike so much. You are a wonderful person and a tremendous friend and help to not only Dad, but to the family. Thank you so much, I love you!!

Aunt Melanie, Thank you for always being there no matter what! Dad couldn't have a better sister. I love you so much for all you have done. You and Jerry have been so generous with your time, your trailer, your home and your love!! Thanks Auntie!! I love you

Kim, what can I say, you're amazing!! You have gone above an beyond for your Uncle D and I know that he loves and appreciates you as do we. Love ya cuzin!!

Kati, you're precious. You have been an amazing support for us all. Thank you so much for all you have done and continue to do. I love ya sweet cousin!! :)

And to everyone else that reads this and loves my little Daddy, thank you all for your well wishes, love, support and prayers. It means more than you know.

Brandi and I love you all so much.

Angela

Update on Dad

Dad's meds have been changed again. His pain level is still pretty high and so the decision was made to put him back on Methadone. He is now taking that 3 times a day.

Debra, his hospice nurse called me at work today, she informed me that Dad was going to be taken by ambulance to the Hospice House up by Sacred Heart hospital for the next few days in order to get his pain under control. He will have 24 hour care there which makes me feel better. Brandi is going up there this weekend and I am still not sure what to do. I might just play it by ear and see how things go. If I'm needed though, I'm there.

I am trying to arrange for leave under the Family Medical Leave Act which allows me up to 12 weeks per year of unpaid leave. I hope the boss is gracious and doesn't give me any grief about this. He keeps telling me to remember the "good times" but hasn't come out and said anything about me going up there. I am trying to limit visits to the weekends now but I know that when the time comes, I will be up there for several days.

My Daddy

Jesse and I spent the weekend with Dad again this weekend. He seemed to be doing pretty well considering all he is dealing with. I got to meet Ken, his caregiver, what a nice man. He seems to really care for Dad.

Dad's pain level was pretty high. I think he tried to put on a brave face for me but I could tell he was hurting. He had an episode yesterday that scared me a little bit. He was napping on his couch and had a very sharp pain in his back that caused him to scream in pain. I ran over to him to help him sit up so I could rub his back. He looked ready to cry. It broke my heart. It kills me that I can't take this away and other than rubbing his back or making sure he takes his meds, there is nothing I can do!!

I called him this morning and he sounded awful. He was in so much pain. He told me that he was waiting for a call back from the hospice nurse. Apparently she was calling Dr. Danko to see about changing his meds from Dilotid to Phentinol. He said that if that doesn't work, the next step is hospitalization. It scares me to even think of that because it brings back memories of Gramma Bonnie.

I can't stand the thought of losing my Dad.

My Weekend with Dad

What a whirlwind weekend. #1 - the awful call. #2 - the flight to Spokane Friday evening. #3 - EVERYTHING ELSE.

I spent all but about 2 hours at my Dad's place this weekend. Not that I could go anywhere since I had no car. I loved seeing my Dad, he looked so tiny and cute. You could tell immediately that he was in pain but his spirits were up because he was in the company of friends and family. Glen was there as well as Big Joe and Terry, then of course, Brandi, Ryan, Melanie and myself.

We did the necessary things that one needs to do to "prepare" I guess. I think that the most important thing is that Dad's wishes are followed to the letter. Though just talking about it broke our hearts.

One nice thing to come out of the weekend was that I think I brought Dad (and myself) some peace. We had a conversation, just the two of us, and I told him that inspite of the mistakes he's made in the past, I had never held a grudge and that I had forgiven him. I might have been mad at him for the things he had done but I had forgiven him right afterwards.

I asked him if he thought I was judgmental and he said no, he knew that I was not a fan of his lifestyle and it angered me on a regular basis but he always knew that I loved him even if I disapproved.

I think that this was the hardest thing I have ever done. Anyone who knew me as a child knows that I had an awful time apologizing or admitting fault. (no jokes here please ya'll) I was terrified of telling Dad that I forgave him because I felt like there was a finality there. Like he could go because I had absolved him or something. It was a paralyzing fear. I cried and prayed Saturday night and asked God to give me at least 5 minutes of strength so that I could say what needed to be said without falling apart in front of Dad. Thankfully, that prayer was answered and when the time came Sunday morning, I was strong. We had a few tears, I think it helped him to know that I love him no matter what and inspite of everything. I will admit that I had a profound sense of peace and calm come over me too.

I hope you all take the time to say what needs to be said to the ones you love because you never know whats going to happen tomorrow.

I love you all, you are in my heart, my thoughts and my prayers.

A

The Worst Call Of My Life (so far) Came Today

I got the call I have feared for 7 months now. My Daddy had an appt with Dr. Danko this morning to get the results of the scan he had last week. The doctor was hopeful a week ago that things were going well, however that changed today. The cancer is throughout his body and there is nothing more that can be medically done. My Dad was told that he will have no further appts with his doctor and that he should make his "arrangements". He will be put on hospice tomorrow and will have meds for the pain but thats it.

How much time he has left is unclear, though Dad did tell me he doesn't think he'll last the month.

I wish I knew how to do this. I have had the wind knocked out of me and can't catch my breath. I can't even imagine what he's feeling. I know he's scared and there is nothing I can do to help him. This is a very helpless feeling.

Another Sampson family funeral? God help me because I can't keep doing this.